Counselors Online http://www.counselorsonline.org Talk to an expert therapist by email or instant chat! Sun, 18 Dec 2011 10:53:53 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Therapy Live Texting Service http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/11/therapy-live-texting-service/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/11/therapy-live-texting-service/#comments Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:43:55 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=1163 You can now chat to a therapist via your mobile phone using our Therapy Live texting service!

Chat with an expert therapist at a time and pace to suit you. The Therapy Live service is available 365 days a year.

You can book sessions as and when you need them, or prebook several sessions that you can then use as required. Prebooking sessions ensures that you will always work with the same expert therapist.

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/11/therapy-live-texting-service/feed/ 0 Substance Abuse and Family Problems http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/substance-abuse-and-family-problems/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/substance-abuse-and-family-problems/#comments Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:39:10 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=990 Guest Article
by Dee Cohen

Family is always supposed to be there to support, to love, to assist. Family is the one constant in life that should be a place of refuge against the storm. But when it’s not, it can cause several problems including substance abuse. It’s not a coincidence that drug use and family problems often go hand in hand. Emotions often play a key role to both.

Those individuals who experimented drugs and alcohol in high school are at a higher risk of having substance abuse problems later in life. There are those who feel pressured at home to make more money or work harder to get a promotion. They turn to cocaine stating it make them more productive. Others prefer alcohol as a means to forget about their problems at home.

Misusing drugs can lead to other problems at home as well. In almost 89% of domestic abuse cases reported in 2008, the abuser was impaired by either drugs or alcohol at the time of the abuse. It’s been studied that children of parents who abused drugs and alcohol are likely to do so themselves. Also children of divorce are more likely to have a substance abuse problem. So a child of parents who divorced and have substance abuse problems? Do the math.

Luckily, there are several options available before these scenarios become a reality. Many drug rehab treatment centers specialize in the family as a whole, not just the addict. Some programs include family counseling and special programs designed for children to help them understand what going on with their family. They are encouraged to detect and not fall into the same pattern as their parents. Many programs also include ongoing family counseling even after the rehabilitation program is over.

There are also several new programs being developed for schools. These are not just the ‘say no to drugs’ programs that have been around since the 1980s but rather the new programs are designed to help children understand the long term effects of marijuana, cocaine and other popular drugs on the body. Many programs have already been successful in finding children living in homes where drugs and alcohol are a problem. They have helped them to find options for those families so that the children do not need to be removed from the home.

Drugs, alcohol intoxication and family life is not a healthy combination. Using prescription or illegal drugs and family problems are two things that can tear people apart permanently Early education and early intervention are the keys. But it’s never too late. There are options. Families can be saved.

What Is the Relationship Between Your Family Problems and Drug Issues?

Stop by and read about Addiction Family Therapy and Cocaine Addiction Treatment options.

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/substance-abuse-and-family-problems/feed/ 0 Grief and Loss http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/grief-and-loss/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/grief-and-loss/#comments Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:14:28 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=987 When to See a Counselor

Guest Article
by Dr Lou LaGrand

Do you feel stuck in your grief? Has it been months since your loved one died and you feel you should be feeling better? Do others close to the deceased seem to be adapting more quickly than you? Has the pain gotten worse? These are questions with very individual answers. They may or may not indicate outside assistance is necessary.

Be assured, the vast majority of people mourning the death of a loved one do not need professional assistance. On the other hand, a professional counselor who often works with the bereaved, may be able to open new avenues for adjusting to the absence of your loved one. Here are some items to consider in deciding to look for assistance.

1. You believe you have lost your sense of identity as a person. In some relationships, the mourner’s identity before the death was totally associated with the beloved. That person may have done many things for you that you should have been doing for yourself. Or you had few friends. While establishing a new identity is one of the usual tasks of grieving, sometimes the degree of dependence on the deceased now means your identity formation is a major need that must be initially addressed.

2. You have suffered from several significant losses in a short period of time. Sometimes within a matter of days, weeks, or months a mourner can suffer the deaths of more than one friend or family member or a combination of the two. Or, a death may have been preceded or followed by a divorce, a major fire in the home, an incarceration of a family member or the betrayal of a friend. The result of bereavement overload can be too much to handle without assistance.

3. You have suicidal thoughts. It is not uncommon for suicidal thoughts to pass through your mind as a way to silence the pain. Many mourners report such thoughts. Most of the time suicidal thoughts leave as they have entered. See someone immediately if you begin to think of a method or methods you might use. It is one thing to have a thought. It is quite another to start hatching a plan. The pain will gradually lessen, but don’t wait to discuss your dilemma.

4. For weeks or months you have harbored extreme anger or hatred toward another associated with the death. You are convinced you will never forgive and you think about that person or situation every day. Such volatile emotions create a huge drain on your energy stores and your physiology each time you entertain these thoughts. Once more, anger and hostility curtail productive thinking for dealing with your loss.

5. You are alone without a loving support system or grief support groups in your area that you could join. Isolation is the arch enemy of adjusting to the death of a loved one. It is a nurturing person or community of persons whose presence and listening skills are at the core of keeping hope alive. Mourners need to express what is happening inside. If no one is consistently available or you feel stuck in your grieving, find a professional.

6. You are drinking more alcohol and using more sleeping medication or other drugs than usual. This is not an uncommon reaction to the pain of loss, especially when you live alone and evenings alone become unbearable. However, excessive use inevitably leads to various physical problems, sometimes a reduction in self-esteem, and often the inability to firmly establish needed new routines.

7. Your depression seems to persist. Normal reactive depression is a common response to the death of a loved one. It comes and goes often when grieving. Nonetheless, when it persists to the point where you are missing work, starting to seclude yourself, or feeling unable to deal with common chores or responsibilities, get help.

How do you find a competent grief counselor or therapist? First ask friends you know and trust. Call your local hospice to ask for recommendations. The same approach can be used with your local hospital or parish nurse at your church. If possible, look for a counselor who has dealt more with grief and is not into too many specialized areas. After your first visit you should have a feel about whether or not you feel comfortable with this person. If not, it is advisable to look elsewhere.

Finally, remember that it is not a sign of weakness to seek assistance in coping with the death of a loved one. We all need each other at various times throughout life. When grieving, it is one of those times.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice and Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/grief-and-loss/feed/ 0 Kids and Grief http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/kids-and-grief/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/kids-and-grief/#comments Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:52:53 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=985 What Do Kids Understand About Death and Grief?

Guest Article
By Yvonne Clark

Grief is love not wanting to say good-bye, the risk of love is loss; the result of loss is grief Life consists of greetings and partings, beginnings and endings. Children and adolescents usually do not need an introduction to the greetings and beginnings of life, but the partings and endings are usually out of the ordinary, confusing, and painful.

Children and adolescents will need help understanding death and grief This help will come from parents, caregivers, family members, friends, teachers and other supportive caring adults. Adults providing support for a grieving child or adolescent should provide safe places for him or her to grieve. Youth need acceptance from adults of their unique grief journey in a nonjudgmental way. Sensitive and supporting adults will help kids understand that his or her grief is a journey and not a one-time or short duration event.

As adults help kids work through and understand grief there are some common questions asked by kids:

  • Why Not Just Avoid Grief? We may think we want to avoid grief but really, it is the pain of the loss we want to avoid. Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings the child or adolescent comfort in his or her pain.
  • What Is the Difference Between Grief and Mourning? Mourning is the external part of loss. It is the actions we take, the religious ceremony, rituals, and customs. Grief is the internal pain we feel.
  • When Does Grief End? Grief is a process, not an event. We live in a society that places enormous pressure on kids and adults to get through the grief “move on” with his or her life. There is no timeline for grief death happens in time but the emotional aftermath last a lifetime. A child or adolescent will grieve as long as they need to.
  • Are There Stages or Phases of Grief? There are five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Children do not experience or express their grief the same way adults do. Youth usually don’t openly talk about how they are feeling, what they are thinking, or that a death in his or her life makes them feel different. Grief support groups can be extremely helpful for children and adolescents. Support groups provide the child or adolescent a safe place to talk and share their emotional distress with others who have experienced similar feeling.

When a child or adolescent experiences the pain of grief give them time and opportunities to talk, about his or her feelings and fears. Create opportunities for them to vent pent-up emotions of anger, sadness, guilt, and despair. Sharing our feelings can be one of the most effective ways to encourage kids to express their emotions, while listening carefully to understand what the child or adolescent is really saying.

What do we want children and adolescents to understand about death and grief? Death is a part of life and the grief attached to the loss of someone special is not a sign of weakness. Grief is a healthy and fitting response to a loss, a tribute to a loved one who has died.

For additional information and grief support resource materials visit It’s Ok to Cry on the web at: http://www.itsokaytocry.org

Or contact:

Yvonne Butler Clark, M.A.
Founder/Director
It’s Okay to Cry, Inc.
4706 Brownstone Lane
Houston, TX 770

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/kids-and-grief/feed/ 0 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/#comments Thu, 13 Oct 2011 12:16:53 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=983 Are You Suffering From The Traumatic Effects of Stress

Guest Article by Eno A. Nsima-Obot, MD

If I were to ask you exactly where you were 10 years ago, when you first heard the news of the planes being crashed into the twin towers, would you remember that as clearly as if it were happening right now?

In fact it’s likely that anyone over the age of 5 recalls that day. And they have experienced some stress from that event. While planning this article, I asked my daughter who was five years old at the time. I was surprised when she gave me a detailed recollection of my coming to pick her up from kindergarten. She recalled how I spoke to her in hushed tones as I hurriedly awoke her from nap time. She says that she wondered why I was there that early. And when I told her what had happened in New York City she became concerned for her half-sister.

We could not shield our children from the effects of the national terrorist attack.

I recall going home afterward. My parents were visiting from Nigeria. In a sense I was glad to have them there.

It is at times of collective stress that we appreciate our connection to one another.

For the majority of us we gradually resumed what has become the semblance of a normal life. I recall that for a few weeks after the attacks, I would encounter some patients who were stressed out by the events. They were having a hard time coping. I do not recall any in particular that were directly affected by the attacks. They were stressed out by watching the events day after day unfold and as the enormity of what had taken place set in.

The world as we perceived it had changed.

It is ten years today since the way we saw our world changed forever. We have been to war. In that span of time we have lost over 6000 armed force personnel to the effects of war.

For those service men that survived the war, a significant number have come home suffering the effects of the war. This is called post-traumatic stress disorder, commonly called PTSD. I have seen quite a few in my practice.

I also have no doubt that there are a segment of people out there today who are still reeling from the effects of September 11 2001. Because on that day like no other day in our lifetime, our experience of the world was changed forever…

What is post-traumatic stress disorder?

I referenced the national institute of mental health on defining post-traumatic stress disorder. This is an anxiety disorder, which people may get after living through an extremely stressful event. This may be an event that happens in their personal life such as a car accident, rape, and domestic abuse. Or it may be a national event such as the September 11 terrorist attack. Or natural disasters such as hurricanes, tornadoes or earthquakes. The important thing that sets PTSD apart is that long after the stressful event is over, the people who suffer from it continue to experience a heightened level of anxiety.

Some other symptoms of PTSD

According to the national institute of mental health, the symptoms of PTSD are divided into three categories-

1. Re-experiencing symptoms:

•Flashbacks-such as reliving the trauma over and over. This can cause physical symptoms like a racing heart, fast breathing or sweating
•Bad dreams
•Frightening thoughts.

Re-experiencing symptoms can cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Asking a question, certain objects, or situations can also trigger re-experiencing.

2. Avoidance symptoms:

•Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
•Feeling numb emotionally
•Experiencing strong feelings of guilt, depression, or worry
•Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
•Having trouble remembering the details of the traumatic event.

Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may make them change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may stop driving.

3. Hyper arousal symptoms:

•Being easily startled
•Feeling tense or “on edge”
•Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.

The hyper arousal symptoms are usually constant. They do not have to be triggered by an event that reminds a person with PTSD of the traumatic event.

People with hyper arousal symptoms may become emotionally stressed or even angry.

These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.

It’s natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Just as I highlighted earlier on, there were perhaps millions of us that experienced some of these symptoms in the weeks that followed 9-11.

The majority of people experienced these at different levels for a few weeks. Then we resumed a ‘normal existence’. We all experienced what is called acute stress disorder, or ASD.

However when the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem, they might be PTSD.

Some people with PTSD don’t show any symptoms for weeks or months.

Women are at more risk for PTSD. And even children can experience PTSD.

Children may not be good at explaining how they are feeling. Some of the symptoms that they may have include:

•Bed-wetting, when they’d learned how to use the toilet before
•Forgetting how or being unable to talk
•Acting out the scary event during playtime
•Being unusually clingy with a parent or other adult.

What do you do if you are experiencing PTSD?

It does not matter what the event is that has led you to experience the symptoms associated with PTSD. The important thing is to get help. PTSD if not treated can have a bad effect on your ability to function effectively. I have seen countless Vietnam veterans who have never recovered from the effects of the war.

Sometimes it may be a series of stressful events that eventually trigger PTSD. It then becomes difficult to distinguish this from depression.

Speak to your healthcare provider if you are experiencing any of these symptoms for more than 2 months. Stop trying to cope by yourself.

We will never forget September 11 2001, but we must move on….

Dr. Eno Nsima-Obot is a board certified internal medicine physician as well as a life coach trained by an ICF accredited program. She brings over 15 years of passion and experience from the health and wellness industry. She is described as an authentic leader, who inspires people to make powerful changes in their lives using warmth and humor. It is her declared purpose to share with women from all walks of life how they make wellbeing their number one priority. By doing so she asserts that we are all achieve more. Click here to download a free copy of her newly revised e-book, Dr. Eno’s Secret Strategies to ‘Aging Gracefully’.

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/feed/ 0 The Benefits of Stress Management http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/the-benefits-of-stress-management-guest-article/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/the-benefits-of-stress-management-guest-article/#comments Thu, 13 Oct 2011 11:17:33 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=978 Guest Article, by Martin Hogg

Stress can be one of the most debilitating experiences we have. This is not only mental stress but also in many circumstances can lead to physical health problems – both short term and more long term in nature. The sad thing about stress is often not so much the stress itself, though this is very unpleasant for the person who is stressed, but rather the fear of other people’s reactions if the person wishes to confide in a friend, family or work colleague – even stress management specialists. Another sad fact about stress management, and being a stress and anger management professional myself I know this all too well, is the widespread opinion that stress management does not matter; that it is a ‘fluffy’ concept that is not needed, or is only for weak minded people. From many years of experience now, I can tell you wholeheartedly that this could not be further from the truth.

We all know the effects that stress can bring about and if you are reading this in search of a cure, or at least some relief, from personal stress or that of a loved one, the effects of stress need no further explanation. What I will do in this article is to suggest the main reasons why from my personal professional experience, ‘stress management’ can be a helpful course of action.

STRESS MANAGEMENT CAN STOP THE STRESS GETTING WORSE – An old saying comes to mind here that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. From experience one of the main factors why stress is stressful, is that it starts off as something quite minor. This problem whatever it may be is often ‘swept under the carpet’ hoping that it will solve itself which is seldom the case. As such it is then left and turns into a much larger problem. By addressing the stress head-on can immediately stop this stress getting any worse – before stress reduction can begin. Which course of action to take and rates of improvement depend on many factors ranging in time, nature of stress and of course for each and every one of us as we are all different. However, a reputable professional will tailor their approach to best meet the needs of their client.

STRESS MANAGEMENT CAN GET TO THE ROOT CAUSE OF THE STRESS – This is often not as easy as it sounds. Quite often the cause the stress is not actually what the person thinks. Stress from the journey to work every morning for example may not actually be the root cause of our stress. This could be caused by a colleague at work or even something in our home life, but we have tricked ourselves into believing that this is the root cause of the stress because it is the simplest solution. Left to our own devices, the probability is that we would not even begin to solve this stress and probably leave it as an underlying problem. Speaking to a stress management professional can actually allow us to get to the root cause of stress – helped by speaking to somebody with wide experience of these matters, but also somebody outside friends or family – something I will discuss shortly.

STRESS MANAGEMENT CAN PROVIDE COPING TECHNIQUES FOR THE FUTURE – Getting to the bottom of the stress is one part of stress management but the other and equally important part of the process is gaining techniques for managing future stress. It is often the case that speaking to a stress management professional, while being a great help and initially relieving the present stress; is of little use if the person is going to get stressed again in the near future. Stress management therefore provides a means of providing each and every person the skills to relieve stress that may arise in the future – with the skills being tailored for every person. Therefore this stress management is not only for the here-and-now but also can greatly improve future well-being.

ENABLES US TO TALK TO AN EXPERIENCED PROFESSIONAL WHO IS COMPLETELY NEUTRAL – It can be difficult discussing anything with family and close friends, especially stress. We may fear that family members will simply tell us they love us and that it does not matter, friends may be very biased, especially if it a family member or another close friend who is causing the stress and we may not want to tell work colleagues for fear of being seen as weak or unreliable. Also with the current employment market we may simply not want to run the risk of losing our job if talk of this stress goes around the workplace. Speaking to a qualified stress management professional confidentially has a number of benefits here – (a) all information is kept in complete confidentiality so that we can be as open as we like and discuss everything, (B) most importantly, the professional while experienced, will also be completely neutral. Therefore there should be no fear of saying anything that will upset another family member or the professional taking the side of one person over another. They will simply sit back listen and judge the situation on its individual merits and provide the best advice possible having the whole situation discussed with them.

These are the four main reasons why, in my professional opinion, I think that stress management is a positive action to take if suffering from stress. As I have stated above, not only can stress management help with the current stress, but it can also help to pinpoint and solve other underlying concerns -many that may not have even been realised and indeed can also help provide techniques to hep to stop future stress from building.

Martin Hogg is an Anger Management Specialist and founder of Citizen Coaching CIC, a Social Enterprise based in Birmingham, UK http://www.CitizenCoaching.com.

We provide a unique, tailored anger management approach through live workshops, one to one support and through online and home study. Get Martin’s First Steps In Anger Management for free at http://www.myangercoach.co.uk/anger-management-online

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/the-benefits-of-stress-management-guest-article/feed/ 0 Safe Outlets for Anger http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/safe-outlets-for-anger/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/safe-outlets-for-anger/#comments Thu, 13 Oct 2011 11:00:35 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=969 Being in self control is one of life’s vital survival skills – and being in control of anger is no exception. As we all get angry at some time or another in our life – admittedly some people more so than others; it is essential to know when we are getting angry and to vent this in a controlled way that does not harm us or other people. As the saying goes, ‘what goes up must come down’. For each and every one of us, we will need to release this anger in one way or another come what may – this is a natural process.

I’m not going to waste time here talking about all the negative effects for us as individuals and effects on others due to anger, as I have talked about these in other articles – and many are common sense anyway. What I will quickly discuss here is the ‘safe outlets’ for anger – so that we can release our anger in a safe and controlled way, limiting the negative effects of uncontrolled anger. Sadly there are not many ways to do this in a completely controlled way, with the first four listed below being the best advice that I can offer – though the fourth is really a very last resort in case of emergencies.

BUYING A STRESS RELIEF DEVICE – These can be purchased fairly cheaply from many retailers and can be a very useful investment. There are lots of these on the market, some more expensive than others. The most successful I have found are stress relief balls. These can be useful as they are very portable, easy to place in a pocket and can be used anywhere at any time. If feeling very angered, squeezing these can allow physical energy to be released and take our mind off what is making us angry. They can also be used without drawing too much attention to ourselves, especially in public places, and it is also a good exercise for the fingers!

TAKING EXERCISE – Without going into all of the science behind this, having a good fitness/exercise regime can limit anger. Talking daily exercise in the first place can stop anger from building (as I have discussed in another article), but when feeling angry and needing to release this, exercise can offer the controlled environment needed. As exercise uses energy, the energy that would be used releasing built-up anger -such as stamping of feet, tension and so on- is being used exercising. The type of exercise could be anything from going for a swim, going to the gym, running or even going for a short walk – the latter being a good technique if needing to release anger at a time when other forms of exercise are not practical.

TRY TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE MAKING US ANGRY – IN A CONTROLLED WAY – Sometimes it can be worthwhile to actually confront what or who is making us angry in order to stop the anger. If this is an object such as a computer, obviously talking to it will not make the slightest difference – and the best advice here is walk away, calm down and come back to it later. However, if it is a person or group of people making us angry, talking can help us to release our anger. In no way at all am I suggesting that we ‘let go of our anger at them’ shouting, screaming and so-on, as this will make matters much, much worse. Rather I am suggesting that we talk to them calmly and let the person/people know that something they are doing is annoying us – but at the same time doing this in a very calm and polite way. It may be that our son/daughter is playing their music too loudly when we are trying to relax at home or the person at the next desk at work keeps tapping their pen on the desk or constantly chatting to others. Whatever the reason, by calmly and politely talking to the person/people we can potentially change the outcome of the situation. With this the anger should also disappear and no ‘fallout’ should be left either.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS LET THE ANGER RELEASE ITSELF: BUT IN A PLACE THAT WILL NOT AFFECT OTHERS – Sometime no-matter what, this may be the only solution. Everything else may have been tried but not worked and the anger just keeps building up. In these cases -and we may all have one sometime in our lives- it is better to fully let go of the anger in an uncontrolled way but in a controlled place. Yes, we may need to hit our pillow, scream at the wall or stamp our feet, but it is far better to do this in a quiet place, well away from other people seeing, hearing and being frightened. After all, letting the anger carry-out building and having the same reaction in a public place, thus affecting others and when finally having calmed down, can be distressing for us too. Though I really do not advise this, it may be the only option, being the very last resort in an emergency. If at all possible, try every other technique discussed first and consult with a close friend or even an anger management professional before the anger reaches this critical stage. Hopefully by doing this, the anger should not reach this final stage and other techniques can be used to remove this anger safely.

——

Martin Hogg is an Anger Management Specialist and founder of Citizen Coaching CIC, a Social Enterprise based in Birmingham.

CIC Coaching provide a unique, tailored anger management approach through live workshops, one to one support and through online and home study. Get Martin’s First Steps In Anger Management free at http://www.myangercoach.co.uk/anger-management-online

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/10/safe-outlets-for-anger/feed/ 0 Useful Links http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/09/useful-links/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/09/useful-links/#comments Sun, 11 Sep 2011 18:53:55 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=950 Borders Counselling – Online counselling, coaching and mentoring.

Childcare Training – Childcare training directory, with free ebook on child psychology and online training course.

Counselling UK – Online directory of counselors and psychologists throughout the UK.

Counselors Online – Online counseling and therapy with expert therapists.

Couple Therapy Online – Advice for couples and families from expert therapists.

Edinburgh Garden School – Online gardening and horticulture courses from the gardening specialists.

Employee Counselling – Online Workplace Counselling.

Learning Curve – One of the Uk’s leading distance learning providers.

Horticulture Courses – Directory of horticulture and gardening courses.

Learning Curve – Online courses from Learning Curve, one of the UK’s leading distance learning providers.

Borders Online Counselling – Online counselling and therapy with expert counsellors.

School for Writers – a leading provider of online writingcourses.

Borders Relationships – online relationship therapy and sex therapy.

Virtual Ocean – Release messages and emotions into the digital ocean.

Borders Business Mentors – Online business advice, articles and mentoring.

Explore Gardening – Online directory of gardeners and garden designers, as well as gardening articles and courses.

What is Therapy – Information and advice about different types of therapy.

Your Course Finder – Online directory of courses, including online, distance learning, part-time and full-time courses.

SelfhelpMagazine – SelfhelpMagazine is trusted educational site developed by licensed mental health professionals since 1994. We offer thousands of articles, a large support community, books, blogs, cartoons, over eight FREE email newsletters, and telephone-based classes (TeleWorkshops). Tell us what you need!

]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/09/useful-links/feed/ 0 Anger and the London Riots http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/08/anger-and-the-london-riots/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/08/anger-and-the-london-riots/#comments Tue, 09 Aug 2011 09:05:18 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=944 As we have seen over the last few days in London, anger is a powerful and sometimes destructive emotion. Once it passes a certain point, anger can also be difficult to control, it takes on its own momentum and often people are not thinking straight.

By Monday evening the riots had turned into an opportunity for criminals, some of whom seemed to be highly organized, to burglarize commercial buildings while the overstretched police force dealt with problems elsewhere. This does not take away from the disturbing fact that the original peaceful protest by family and friends of Mark Duggan so quickly triggered an upsurge of anger that exposed deep rifts and underlying community tensions. The violence revealed a generation of young people who feel forgotten and abandoned, have no real prospects for the future, and are growing up angry and disaffected. Painfully in a move that defied all reason, they turned this anger on their own communities in the most destructive way possible. The devastation left behind will take many years to repair.

Anger in the Family

People acting in the grip of anger are often not thinking straight, and we’ll look at why that is the case below. Their behaviour defies understanding. While we might be able to understand the underlying discontent, few people can have sympathy with the way anger was expressed in the London riots. Similarly, in families, anger can be tremendously destructive and unreasonable, hurting the very people the angry person purports to love most. In the worst cases anger may lead to domestic violence, but even where there is no physical violence, it often causes psychological harm, creating long-lasting fear and distress in relatives and friends.

What is Anger?

Anger is an emotion, not necessarily negative or positive. For most people, anger is a healthy expression of feelings when a person feels wronged or mistreated. It’s helpful to remember that anger is not the same as aggression. If is handled well, anger can even be useful. However, while anger can be a powerful force for positive action and change, it can also be a dangerously destructive force. When directed in negative or destructive ways, anger can cause enormous damage, as we have seen in London this week.

The Psychology of Anger

Anger is a powerful emotion that triggers a series of physiological responses. Research suggests that when we become angry our body goes through a 5 phase cycle, sometimes called an anger assault cycle. The phases are as follows:

  • The trigger phase
  • The escalation phase
  • The crisis phase
  • The plateau or recovery phase
  • The post crisis depression phase.

The Trigger Phase


The trigger stage describes the event that sets off the anger reaction. This event is seen as threatening to the individual and kicks off the whole cycle. The person begins to react on both a physical and cognitive level. Physically they may feel a knot in the stomach, a clenched jaw or fists, tense muscles, sweating, and shallow breathing. At this stage it’s possible to intervene and calm the person down or for the person to calm themselves down.

The Escalation Phase


Once the escalation phase is reached there is less chance of calming down. On a biological level their body is preparing to respond to an immediate threat. The threat may be real or imagined, the body’s reaction is the same. As the person’s anger continues to escalate they enter the crisis phase. In this phase the person may be unable to respond to calming techniques and may find it very difficult to respond logically to others.

The Recovery Phase


The recovery phase lasts for about 45 minutes or sometimes longer as the body returns to normal. Finally, the person enters a post-crisis phase where they are able to rest and recover from the high state of arousal. At this stage the person is able to think more clearly again and they may feel guilty about what has happened.

Anger is caused by the reaction to an event, not the event itself. It depends very much on how the situation is perceived. In some situations anger may be an appropriate response and it’s helpful to remember that anger is not the same as aggression. If is handled well, it can even be useful. Some experts suggest that the healthiest response to anger is to acknowledge its presence, recognise the symptoms and express your feelings of anger verbally. In situations where you are not able to verbalise your feelings, it’s stil important to recognise the feelings and physical sensations – this step alone can help prevent more destructive or aggressive expressions of anger.

When anger is expressed in more destructive ways, it may be indirect, as in passive-aggressive behaviour, or direct and out of all proportion to the event. It is argued that destructive anger comes from not acknowledging and handling angry responses immediately. It can also develop when people feel that genuine grievances are not being heard. In this environment anger has chance to grow and become more destructive.

Seeking Help for Anger


If you experience destructive anger and find it is damaging your relationships at home or work, you may find it helpful to consult a counselor. The counselor can help you to develop more effective ways of dealing with challenging situations as well as showing you how to manage your anger more effectively. If you are living with someone who has problems controlling their anger, you may also benefit from support and advice.

To find a counselor who has experience of anger:

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]]> http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/08/anger-and-the-london-riots/feed/ 0 Overcoming Low Self-Esteem http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/07/overcoming-low-self-esteem/ http://www.counselorsonline.org/2011/07/overcoming-low-self-esteem/#comments Sun, 17 Jul 2011 15:03:04 +0000 admin http://www.counselorsonline.org/?p=939 While everyone has periods of self-doubt from time to time, some people suffer from low self-esteem that is so severe that it can negatively impact every area of their lives. While there are steps one can take to learn to deal with low self-esteem, often counseling is needed in order to address the problem once and for all, creating a new future.
Many people thing that self-esteem means confidence – and confidence does come into it – but it’s rather more than that. Some apparently confident people do marvellous things and achieve a great deal but still have poor self-esteem.

Many actors and singers fall into this category. They may appear to be glowing with confidence on stage, but once off-stage they are filled with self-doubt and insecurities.

People with low self-esteem suffer in a variety of ways. The feelings that one is “less than” or “not good enough” can haunt every area of someone’s life. Not only does it cause them to think that THEY are not enough, they also tend to put the same stamp on anyone who loves them. Some people with low self-esteem feel like there must be something wrong with anyone who would love them.

People with low self-esteem may feel as if they are worthless and having nothing to contribute. They may also:
feel unloved;

  • tend to avoid new and different situations;
  • feel unable to deal well with failure;
  • tend to put themselves down. They say things like “I’m stupid” or “I won’t be able to do that” (before they have tried);
  • feel their efforts are never quite as good as others;
  • are constantly comparing themselves to their peers in a negative way.

There are different levels of low self-esteem. Most everyone is subjected to occasional self doubt and, as the old saying goes, each person is his or her own worst critic. For those dealing with low self-esteem it is not just an occasional moment of self doubt. Instead, it is a sometimes constant nagging. It is a constant feeling that no matter what they do, they will never be as good/pretty/smart/successful as the people around him or her.

For some, this turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. They feel less than adequate at work, so they allow others to take the credit for a job well done and blame themselves when anything goes wrong. They may be hesitant to volunteer for any extra assignments, because the fear of failure is so strong. People with very low self-esteem often expect failure, so that is what they get.

Social situation can be painful for people with low self-esteem. Many times, the people around them will have no idea that the person is not having a great time. They may be talking and laughing, but inside they are questioning every word that they say and finding hidden meaning in every look and comment. Thoughts such as “everyone at that party hated me” may linger for days after an event.

The source of the low self-esteem does matter, and professional counseling may be able to help you discover that, but what is more important is learning to deal with and overcome feelings of low self-esteem.

Some have found that practicing positive reinforcements can be helpful. Whenever you catch yourself saying or thinking something negative about yourself, immediately stop it and replace it with something positive. For example, if you think “I really blew that presentation today” replace that thought with “I did my best to prepare for the presentation today.” Work hard to linger on positive thoughts rather than negative ones.

For people with very low self-esteem, it may take professional counseling in order to truly overcome it. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, but somewhere along the way you picked up some information that you were not good enough. Counseling can help you learn to think about yourself in a more positive light. Being able to do that can positively impact many areas of your life.

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